Guilty As You Are
by domina tempore
Summary: John mourns the loss of Elizabeth to the Replicators... but no one should have to mourn alone.


_Author's Note: I don't really know where this came from, except the part about the balcony being John and Elizabeth's (I have _**fyd818 **_to thank for *that* inspiration; her fic "Journey to Forever" refers to it as that several times); but as to what's actually happening, I have no idea. It came to me as I was writing it, and I wrote it all in one go; and I have no idea what brought it on, let alone now. I don't quite know how I feel about it, but I hope that you like it :). (Please review if you do or not; it makes me happy, and it lets me know what you all want ;))._

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**Guilty as You Are**

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John Sheppard stood stiffly on the balcony that he had once shared with Elizabeth, glad that he was in private there. It wasn't as if it had been something so secret, but he had always unconsciously thought of it as "their place"... and now she was gone.

Every day since then he had cursed the Replicators for taking her; and he had cursed himself for leaving her behind. Maybe, if he had tried just a little bit harder, gotten to her faster, they could have been able to take her back with them. But he hadn't, and he wasn't, and they couldn't. And he cursed it.

He had spent a lot of time on this balcony since then, missing her, replaying the mission in his head as if there was anything different that they could have done; as if things could have turned out different. He knew that he couldn't change what had happened, but he couldn't simply believe that there had been no way. He hated leaving people behind; Elizabeth, Sumner, Ford, all of them; and the knowledge that he couldn't save his friends from everything tortured him daily.

He heard the doors behind him open, but he didn't turn; whoever it was could come over here, if they insisted on disturbing him in his... what was this, anyways? Mourning? Self-pity? He didn't even know.

Whoever it was stopped just past the doors, and they remained opened. A moment later, a gentle, soft voice that he recognized spoke his name.

"John?"

He sighed.

"Teyla, can it wait?"

"It has waited," she said, taking a few steps closer so that the door closed behind her and they were in private. A flash of irrational resentment flared up within him that she was intruding upon this private spot. He squashed it quickly; it wasn't her fault, Teyla didn't know what it meant to him.

"What do you mean?" he asked suspiciously.

"It has waited ever since we lost her." He stiffened.

"What?"

"John, she has been gone for nearly two months; I understand that you are in mourning, but you cannot continue to bear this burden alone."

"Why can't I?" he snapped, his voice sharper than he'd intended. "It's my fault that she's gone; no one else has to deal with the guilt that I do!" He heard her come a few steps closer.

"John, it is not your fault."

"Yes it is; I was in charge of that mission, and I left her there."

"You did what was needed to save your team---"

"She was part of that team!" he shouted. "And how would you know anything? You weren't even there!"

"No, I was not!" Her voice was rising too, now. "And do you not think that I carry guilt as well, not having been there for her? Remaining on the city, doing her job while the rest of you risked your lives against the replicators?" He felt the heat of her body now, she was standing so close to him. "I am just as guilty as you are for not being there for her."

John sighed, and all the anger drained out of him.

"Teyla, you can't understand what this feels like for me."

"Maybe not," she amended. "Elizabeth was my friend, but not in the way that she was with you. You do not believe that anyone else saw it, but you're wrong. I know what she meant to you; and I can see what her death is doing to you now. But John, you can't go on like this!" She placed her hand gently on his shoulder. "You cannot allow her death to destroy you."

"Teyla..."

"She would not want you to mourn her forever, John. You have felt this way long enough. Now it is time for you to heal." He hung his head.

"I don't think that I can do that," he admitted in a sad whisper.

For a moment there was absolute silence; then he felt Teyla's arms wrap around him from behind, and she laid her head against him.

"I will help you," she promised. "You have never let me be alone in my grief; and I will not leave you now. Let me help you." John touched her hands, clasped around his chest, and felt a storm of mixed emotions rise in him, nearly overcoming him. But he had never been one to cry, and he wasn't about to start now. Instead, he took one of Teyla's hands and raised it to his lips and kissed it, letting it be a barrier for all of the emotion that would otherwise escape; and they were silent.

They stood there for a long time.

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_A/N: Please review, tell me what you think :)._


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